When he built his own firewall

Intentions of a child they say are harmless

Innocent, the kid feels the same way

His heart feels fearless; it is so safe, no deep sorrows

At least doesn't know how to experience pain as we may

Alas he is hit hard the first time he was cheated, selfish was defined

What reward on earth could make his best friend betray him?

Far too young, the world is yet left to be seen

His days have just begun with the lights too dim

With the rising kicks of agony and traumatic defeats

He gears himself up as he enters his teen

The tender heart of his moulds a thin membrane

He needs to grow strong for he knows his friends can be mean

It was that phase of life when infatuation seemed love

Girls came, bonded in a relationship that eventually broke

The scars on his shield started getting profound

This journey of life seemed no longer a joke

Even when life ditched him on all levels his faith dangled

Suspended on a feeble string held by very few people around

Sentiment protection layer high for he knew life was always up for a game

One snip and his emotions will perhaps shatter on the ground

Exactly as he predicted was what happened to him

Emotionally drained, he couldn't even remember how to cry

Alone is what I have, he thought, alone will protect me

I will pass through all days of the rain - floods or dry

Adult as he is called now, he built himself a firewall

With no way in, it was a firewall tougher than the toughest steel

No sword can pierce through no matter what

And those hypocrites call him cold, frigid and a man without any zeal.

The struggle begins

I saw him pour iron in the mould

He chose nothing but the best Valerian steel

As he waited for the glazing red to turn cold

Deep down he knew there was a war coming

So I ran home, gathered all the courage I could

Looked for all the words of wisdom

And found as many that could do me good

Just like him, I saw my own little war coming

He practiced all day, he practiced all night

Clanked his sword with the best of men

Until every attack he made, hit right

After all fighting his own father won't be easy

Inspired I knew, I too had it in me

Wiped my tears, sat before the mirror 

A pen, piece of paper and those words had to be

"That's it. I will say a NO today"

He put on his armor, held his shield 

Despite no one by his emotional side

He had to be strong and not give up or yield

In his head, he told himself, its now, the struggle begins

I have a reason, a valid explanation

Closed my eyes, took a deep breath in

I could see my hero whisper to me in slow motion

"All the best my warrior, the struggle now begins.."

Turning 20

It’s my birthday today. I am going to turn 20. Two decades of this life, living and trying to find happiness at every step. (I don’t why I sound so disconsolate about it.)

It’s that time of this journey when my age will no longer bear the suffix ‘teen’ to it.  No doubt, it is going to be new, mostly going to be different. And like everyone else, change is hard to accept, tough to incorporate.

I still remember stepping into my teens. My face was bubbling with pimples and my heart was going through turmoil of emotions. I started disliking people I loved earlier and started taking things seriously. Thought processes changed and perceptions were new and different. I learnt understanding double meaning jokes and eventually cracking them :P

Phew! Perhaps not that difficult as it all comes to me in a flashback. So, what do I expect in these coming years? What all is going to change now that I am no longer a teen? How differently are people going to behave to the same situations as before? When am I going to get all comfortable about it?

I realized I was changing when little things about me changed. Not that I was not philosophical from the start but now more serious books have started interesting me. Things as trivial as preferring a dark and political TV series over silly comedy came to my notice. In fact I started find philosophy even in sitcoms!

Rest apart from these minor details, I started knowing things about myself that I did not like. What these realizations have started giving me is pure insecurity. There is a career to worry about and this is just the start. The moment I begin worrying about the future, it dawns upon me that I hardly know what I am doing now – forget what will I be doing later!

Then there are those shit scary moments. When I am trying to catch on with some sleep and absolute nonsensical (now that I am sane I call it nonsense) thoughts creep in. Scary, alone, confused some weak words make the heart beat faster.

Imaginary conversations in my head are no longer cracking mindless jokes in funny situations. They always seem to rectify mistakes made in the past. What is it that could have gone better? I crave for feedback at every step. Unlike before when I believed I was the best!

Love changes its definition at every stage. For as a baby it meant mother. Expanded to the rest of the family and friends later. Today it all feels cold. As if I barely ever knew what love was. Went through heart breaks and wonder if I was that bad a person to have experienced that. Late at night think about where that “The One” person is. The feel of needing him tremendously increases – the bed feels too large for just one person. The same old me, happy by herself, independent now needs a shoulder to rest the head upon.
But the very next moment I realize this is not my priority. Relationships seem a burden and getting close to someone sounds more awful than anything else.
Such confusion, in the heart too!

Earlier finances were least of my concerns. Suddenly that becomes one of my major worries. Keeping a stringent check on my spending becomes very important. Choice of jobs depends on the salaries, choice of University on its fee. What is the return on investment? It all becomes so calculative.

There are feelings and notions I keep bothering my friends about. Discussions go deep any minute and in matter of no time are we dropping bombs on each other. The same conversations find way in with newer outlooks. Influencing factors change. Inspirational sources change.

Life suddenly looks like a running race. A competition. Those same friends we learnt together with stand beside you to run the same race. It’s no longer the same. Even friendship becomes a “contact” and there is material associated with every person. There is a hint of envy in every “Congratulations” and a sense of relief in every consolation. Honest and sincere feelings seem to vanish as words speak different than thoughts. Evidently people start seeming selfish and the people I think I was close to don’t really think the same.

Perhaps this is just one side of it. Perhaps it may not be that bad. I can only hope of it getting better. Probably everyone of my age right now feels the same. Maybe it is not only me. Maybe what people seem is not the reality at all. All the selfishness is purely the same feeling they feel as I feel.

I am not really sure what life has to offer in times to come. I don't even know how long I will live to see things coming. But what surely remains in my hand is accepting change while I am still trying to find happiness at every step.

On a lighter note, I have 100 percent freedom to crack non-veg jokes and not pretend innocent even in front of my elders! My opinions will be heard with more regard and valued rather than being chucked away. My individuality will find its way in being respected. As I will discover more about me, I will perhaps start liking more about me. The journey will only get more thrilling as time passes.

Cheers to people having literally endured me since what seems like centuries! :p

Waiting, for the world to see

Its a pretty just another day, I am scrolling down my facebook feed. I am irritated. Why? The entire feed is bursting with "Hey, look at me" posts. There are the

- look-how-happy-i-am-with-my-bestie,

- oh-i-love-politics,

- look-i-answer-on-quora-i-am-such-a-genius,

- whaaat-you-didnt-watch-this-movie-yet,

- check-out-this-link-i-am-so-updated-with-technology,

- omg-this-party-was-awesome,

- i-share-memes-with-my-friends-i-am-cool

 and countless such posts waiting to be watched, judged and be jealous of.

It isn't really facebook's fault that made me feel so bad. That's how probably even I am. Waiting to show off the fun we encounter before we even dive into it. Waiting to so called share a status before even fully tasting the ice-cream. Waiting to shout in every living soul's ear, I live a life. It is all about the deception of looking perfect, the feeling of getting noticed, the pride of being talked about and the fear of being judged.

Eventually as I have come to comprehend, we fail to enjoy the little moments in life while we are busy painting the bigger picture. We limit our ourselves to the people who judge us. We cannot help thinking about other people - those who really love us unconditionally, without judging. Every action of ours is influenced by the after effects of the very typical - log kya sochenge.

Acharaya Sir, my physics teacher in Pace pointed out his observations in class one day. He gave us a sum to solve in the closed classroom and was himself looking out of the small glass window made on the main door. The peon who'd take care of the functioning of the lectures was almost dancing and hopping as he walked along the corridor. He was under the pretext that no one's watching. "We are ourselves only when we know no one is looking at us or judging who we are. We are free at our will, expressing our joys and sorrows in little actions like how we walk."

Poor little us. We forget expressing what we really feel while drowning in the fear of how we will be judged. If only we thought less of what people think of us!

And as a matter of irony. It is so challenging to be happy while being popular online! Consider the recent Alok Nath saga. He is so talked about, his pictures floating everywhere, etc. He didn't even do anything to instigate the meme-makers (For once, memes on political parties are still justified). This example may not cite what I exactly want to convey through this post but there is one thing we learn. Attention is dangerous too! :P

Anyway, the point is no matter who is watching, the decision of beingYou, being who you really are is in your hands. And that's just how I wanted my blog to be - beingRitika, who I am.

Worries of a Woman

I feel scared. Scared of those eyes.

They penetrate right into mine

Should I look away? Or should I stare back, pretending fearless?

For god's sake, take those shameless eyes off me.

What, now I cannot even wear knee length jeans?

Why do they make the decent piece of clothing look so disgusting?

Is it really my fault that I want to look beautiful

Or is it their filthy morals that should be blamed?

I hesitate. Unlike before.

Think hundred times before you take that stranger's help

He could be too good to be true.
Maa, is this what being independent meant?

How does it matter if I am his daughter's age

Or maybe a grand-daughter for some

Crime has no ethics, does it?
Old or young, all have the license to evil.

 Turn to the newspaper today. Now.
My bet : Every third item you read will be crime.
Not just crime, crime against women.
Rape. Harassment. Dowry. Acid. Femicide. 'Honor Killing'

Frightens me so that I be cautioned.
Makes me sit in the 'Reserved for Ladies' seat only.
Tells me that I need to reach home before 9.
Gives me enough reason to confuse restrictions with safety.

As I lay awake on my bed, there are things I never will forget
Those memories which instill fear in me,which weaken me
But think good, good will happen. So I try let it go
Like a computer, I press the delete button and wipe off those slimy memories.

After what seems like forever, sleep slowly creeps in
Yet those pictures revolve, revoking the fear in me
The silence of the dark is cut by the clock ticking loud
And the question haunts, Am I safe in my own house?

It happens only in India

Lately the series of 'Atithi Devo Bhava' ads have been on a roll across all TV channels. Amir Khan telling Indians what sort of a negative image do they portray by simple day to day activities.

Ever wondered what common people like us abroad think about when they first hear 'India'? Just like when I think America, I think of a typical day from the beloved American sitcoms we watch. When I think Australia, I am reminded of Masterchef Australia :P

Anyway, here are a few interesting (rather peculiar) reactions I got from people in Europe and South Africa when they first came to know I was from India:

• Grocery Store Owner near Eketragaten, Gothenburg
  My younger brother and I enter into this little grocery shop to be greeted by its Swedish owner. He promptly recognized our origin without us uttering a single word. He asks, "Do you watch Bollywood?"
  Dumbstruck, we say Of course yes!
  He starts addressing my brother as Shahrukh and calls himself Salman Khan. Furthermore, he tells us that he regularly watches our bollywood masala movies. He defines regular as once a week! (Wait what? Even I don't watch bollywood once a week!) His love for bollywood was mainly for the mindless songs that pop in out of nowhere and the dance steps we choreograph. He mentioned a few favorites here and there.
  While I was leaving the store, I casually asked him, "How well do you comprehend the dialogues?"
  He says, "Well I don't understand, I just watch them for that."

• Church Priest at Varvaderstorget, Gothenburg
  It can take me an entire blog post to describe this wonderful human being we met in our journey. The moment we enter the really tiny church, the Priest welcomed us with a warm smile. After learning of our Indian nationality, all he wanted to talk about was food! He wanted a pinch to digest the fact that some of us are vegetarians, have never tasted egg/chicken/pork or any other sort of meat.
  According to him, we survived on chocolates and salad only! :P
  We invited him on lunch thrice during our stay and finally he accepted that a vegan diet can be delicious too! He totally fell in love with our puris, parathas and laddoos ("really very sweet candies" as he would call them.)

• Random lady next door in JohannesburgSouth Africa, thanks to their British rule boasts of a large population of people from Indian origins. Their great grand parents were shipped to SA as slaves during the British rule. As a result, these people today consider themselves to be of Indian culture. Our next house neighbor was one such lady. For the first 10 minutes she went on and on about how much she appreciated the culture we hold. The festivals we celebrate, the rituals, the sanskaar we instill in our children, the superstitions etc. We were ecstatic to hear about her enthusiasm towards our culture.
  In the end when we were about to leave, she asked my mum why she wasn't wearing a bindi and pointed out to the red dot on her forehead instead! She wore it as a mark of having an attachment to our land, to our culture, truly mesmerizing.

• A fellow female passenger in the tram, Gothenburg
  The Swedish are really fond of their music. So much so that this passenger in the tram after finishing the detailed inquiry about us, she sang us a song in Swedish. Till date I never across that song again. She wasn't even ashamed singing aloud in front of the other passengers. In fact she sang it merrily and announced dedicating it to us!

• A traveler in the train, ZurichWe were travelling from Lucerne to Zurich, a long distance via train. It was almost lunch time and our stomachs were growling of hunger. We Indians have this knack of carrying small packets of snacks along with us, wherever we go! We searched our bags and found our packets of namkeen and farsaan. This lady on the opposite side of the aisle asks me, "Do you have some bhujiya?" It took me seconds to understand that she was actually asking for bhujiya. I nodded in affirmation and handed over a handful. She ate it with delight as she recalled tasting it the first time she had been to India.

• Owner of the hotel in Lucerne
  I was in contact with the hotel owner in Lucerne since I made the booking. He would give me weather tips, holiday destinations and helped me out with some sightseeing. During our departure, my mum casually asked him to visit India sometime. Instantaneously, he says NO.
  Whaaat? Why!?
  From his hallway, he removed a particular painting form the wall. He opened the frame to remove another photograph kept behind it. He looked at the photograph and said, I am scared of experiencing this, I will not be able to handle it at all. I myself was left shocked after seeing the picture:
                                     
  We explained that such scenarios don't exist now and besides, he needn't travel by train at all. But he refused to listen. The photograph indeed had a deep impression about the population explosion in his head.

• Cute guy we asked the directions to some place in Paris
  Okay it is not very rare to find cute guys in Paris, but this one was weird. Paris actually is not a tourist friendly city. People generally refuse to communicate in English and when you ask them for directions, they ask you for the map. :\
  Okay, so to this guy we asked our destination, with a little bit of 'tout droit' and 'à gauché' he gave us the right directions. Then he moved on to ask the nationality. I said 'indienne' in his accent (I was up for a lot of fun :P ) and he said, "Oh Pakistan?"
  I resented, "No. India. "
  He repeats, "India - Pakistan, it's all the same right?"
  I was thinking really hard what to say. India and Pakistan have not been well known for their relation and this crazy guy thinks they're the same country. Would it be good to tell him?
  I smiled and said, "Is France and Switzerland same? No, right? The same way India and Pakistan are not" and left rather unhappy with his general knowledge.

• Cab driver in Johannesburg
  This cab driver was the first person we met after we touched the South African land. Since he was the driver all my dad's colleagues called, he already had been with Indians for the past many years. After we reached home, out of desperation from the 12 hour flight travel she stormed into the kitchen to make tea. Before she could even offer, Frank says, "I would love some masala chai. It's the best part of people form India. Nobody here can make that way." Consecutively for the next month, whenever he came by, my mum made tea for him specially.

• Bakery Shop in Paris
  I could not overcome the temptation of eating that soft, creamy and shining mousse in this Bakery Shop near the Eiffel Tower. I asked him the price for three pieces, multiplied it by 70 (Euro was 70 INR back then) and agreed to shell that out. He asked me if I were from India. And I said yes. Without any thought, he turned to his fellow baker and said something in rapid french (I tired hard translating but in vain). The other baker went to the computer, did some clicking and in no time was Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge playing. I really couldn't resist smiling. He boasted of having a lot of hindi song collection in his computer and mentioned how happy he was to see me! :D

• Random lady in a mall at Cape Town
  Cape Town is full of posh malls and shopping areas. Each particular area would always have a Nelson Mandela Square. The South Africans are very proud of this great leader who fought for their country. But at the same time, there are an equal number of Gandhi Squares!
  We had taken a break from shopping and took some rest near one such Mandela Square. A lady, out of nowhere came and asked us our nationality. We were used to this and told her that we're from India. She sat down besides us, and started thanking us. Thanking for what? She was a total Gandhian, a person who follows Gandhi's principles to the core. It made no sense in her thanking us, because we are in no way connected to Gandhi. But it was her respect and love for that country Gandhi belonged to. As a memoir, maximum I could do was handover a 10 rupee Indian note I had with Gandhi's picture on it.

• Passerby in Norway
  This was the funniest perception of India I ever came across. This fellow, asks my father, "You're from India?"
  "Yes" my father says.
  "Your wedding must have cost you a fortune! You cannot even divorce your wife ever."
  Apparently he had come across documentaries in which he saw the big fat Indian weddings we have! He really needed to confirm if we actually spend that much amount on our weddings. With that nod my father gave, and the comments he passed, we still laugh on his idea of being an Indian!

We never really realize, how little things affect. But yes, small incidents also embed deep and lead us to form perceptions about everything - even a vast country like India.

Jack of all trades

I was in the fifth grade when my teacher after reading through a lesson in BalBharti mentions, "Don't be like him, he was a jack of all trades but sadly a master of none" thus introducing us to the new idiom. It was put up as the thought for the day for the rest of the week high up on the blackboard.

I'd read it every morning, trying to figure out which master was I going to be when I grew up. I definitely didn't want to end up a loser like the fellow in the lesson. Confused, yet determined, I knew I would be great at 'something' one day.

Look at me today. I boast of having my own blog, I love playing violin, I am so happy I end up coding well, I can cook decent ( while most of the other girls of my age suck at it), I get above average marks, I sketch portraits, etc.
For people who are acquainted with me, often compliment "You're multi talented!" "Wow! You can do that too!" As I speak of this, I bet you can think of atleast 3 people of similar traits you think are good at everything, all-rounders as they say.

It is only I who knows how brilliant some bloggers exist out there, I play the violin only when I am alone at home to avoid the unbearable tune that follows, I absolutely suck at algorithmic coding (read: actual coding), cooking is something I definitely don't wanna do the rest of my life, I was way better at academics when I was in school, I cannot sketch a female portrait (yes, all attempts in vain).

Left me what? Something I didn't want to be - Jack of all trades, master of none.

For peers, its complex giving only for a while. Its tough for people like me to win in competitions of a particular skill. There are always 10 people who are masters of that art, bagging away the prize rightfully. All we are left with is the so-called great essence of participation everywhere. The metaphor applies to bigger things like coming across an interview too!

It is interesting to note how this phrase was not meant to be a derogatory term at all. Earlier it was the very positive context that a Jack of all Trades was refereed to. I don't even see the reason why:

• Variety is the spice of life, isn't it? Why stick to a particular area and keep exploiting it till you get bored? And when you feel you're done, its too late to step out.
• Steve Jobs was definitely not a better programmer than his Engineering Head. But what made him Steve Jobs was the overall knowledge from programming, designing and marketing fields.
• Jacks of all trades are up for a show anytime. They are far more sporty than a master of one because I bet he would have tried at that performance sometime before in his life.

Well often these are just reasons I keep giving myself owing to the category I belong. The truth is, the world is too specialized to see that. The blinders of their area of mastery allows them to think only in One Direction (No! Not that band!).

In fact, it is not only me or that teacher of mine who sees this as a bad trait. The world today demands a 'specialized' person in every field. Tremendous respect and fat salaries await individuals with a specialization. Practically jacks of all trades are more or less treated as average mediocre crowd with no distinguishing factor at all. They have no reason in the word to be famous as things they do are ordinary.

What is it like BeingAJackOfAllTrades?

Honestly, when its showtime, we know we rule. But when it comes to making decisions, that's where we falter. If we knew what held more importance in our lives, we would left trying to do everything at once and set ourselves on the path to master that 'something'.

Precisely that is what happened when I was supposed to select a 'stream of study' after 10th grade. I could have managed with any field I could have taken. That is what is happening now, I fail to figure out if MBA or MS or No Masters would be the best choice for me. While its so easy for the others to pinpoint their line of action, its with considerable envy I say its too tough for me to decide. And then in the end, our choices, it doesn't even matter. Because whatever we choose, at the same time, somewhere we are polishing ourselves to improvise on the other choice too.

While it sucks to be stuck in such shoes, I cannot help convince myself that the reason why "Generals" in a Military force are called so because they see the bigger picture, innovate, plan, predict and ultimately climb to power the fastest.