February 20, 2014

Turning 20

It’s my birthday today. I am going to turn 20. Two decades of this life, living and trying to find happiness at every step. (I don’t why I sound so disconsolate about it.)

It’s that time of this journey when my age will no longer bear the suffix ‘teen’ to it.  No doubt, it is going to be new, mostly going to be different. And like everyone else, change is hard to accept, tough to incorporate.

I still remember stepping into my teens. My face was bubbling with pimples and my heart was going through turmoil of emotions. I started disliking people I loved earlier and started taking things seriously. Thought processes changed and perceptions were new and different. I learnt understanding double meaning jokes and eventually cracking them :P

Phew! Perhaps not that difficult as it all comes to me in a flashback. So, what do I expect in these coming years? What all is going to change now that I am no longer a teen? How differently are people going to behave to the same situations as before? When am I going to get all comfortable about it?

I realized I was changing when little things about me changed. Not that I was not philosophical from the start but now more serious books have started interesting me. Things as trivial as preferring a dark and political TV series over silly comedy came to my notice. In fact I started find philosophy even in sitcoms!

Rest apart from these minor details, I started knowing things about myself that I did not like. What these realizations have started giving me is pure insecurity. There is a career to worry about and this is just the start. The moment I begin worrying about the future, it dawns upon me that I hardly know what I am doing now – forget what will I be doing later!

Then there are those shit scary moments. When I am trying to catch on with some sleep and absolute nonsensical (now that I am sane I call it nonsense) thoughts creep in. Scary, alone, confused some weak words make the heart beat faster.

Imaginary conversations in my head are no longer cracking mindless jokes in funny situations. They always seem to rectify mistakes made in the past. What is it that could have gone better? I crave for feedback at every step. Unlike before when I believed I was the best!

Love changes its definition at every stage. For as a baby it meant mother. Expanded to the rest of the family and friends later. Today it all feels cold. As if I barely ever knew what love was. Went through heart breaks and wonder if I was that bad a person to have experienced that. Late at night think about where that “The One” person is. The feel of needing him tremendously increases – the bed feels too large for just one person. The same old me, happy by herself, independent now needs a shoulder to rest the head upon.
But the very next moment I realize this is not my priority. Relationships seem a burden and getting close to someone sounds more awful than anything else.
Such confusion, in the heart too!

Earlier finances were least of my concerns. Suddenly that becomes one of my major worries. Keeping a stringent check on my spending becomes very important. Choice of jobs depends on the salaries, choice of University on its fee. What is the return on investment? It all becomes so calculative.

There are feelings and notions I keep bothering my friends about. Discussions go deep any minute and in matter of no time are we dropping bombs on each other. The same conversations find way in with newer outlooks. Influencing factors change. Inspirational sources change.

Life suddenly looks like a running race. A competition. Those same friends we learnt together with stand beside you to run the same race. It’s no longer the same. Even friendship becomes a “contact” and there is material associated with every person. There is a hint of envy in every “Congratulations” and a sense of relief in every consolation. Honest and sincere feelings seem to vanish as words speak different than thoughts. Evidently people start seeming selfish and the people I think I was close to don’t really think the same.

Perhaps this is just one side of it. Perhaps it may not be that bad. I can only hope of it getting better. Probably everyone of my age right now feels the same. Maybe it is not only me. Maybe what people seem is not the reality at all. All the selfishness is purely the same feeling they feel as I feel.

I am not really sure what life has to offer in times to come. I don't even know how long I will live to see things coming. But what surely remains in my hand is accepting change while I am still trying to find happiness at every step.

On a lighter note, I have 100 percent freedom to crack non-veg jokes and not pretend innocent even in front of my elders! My opinions will be heard with more regard and valued rather than being chucked away. My individuality will find its way in being respected. As I will discover more about me, I will perhaps start liking more about me. The journey will only get more thrilling as time passes.

Cheers to people having literally endured me since what seems like centuries! :p

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