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What do you see when you look out the glass window of a moving bus?
A faint portrait of yourself,
Staring in the eye
Feeling your pain in the waters floating at the brink?

Or do you see,
The tim-tim lights
Brightening up the entire vicinity
Burning itself out to illuminate the rest
Choosing to be source of happiness rather than wallow in self pity?

Today I looked out the glass window again,
And I wondered, what do I want to be?
Frozen in time or set life free
I instantly knew what I had to focus my eyesight on

My love is unconditional,
It isn't any less than it was when I was delusional
But then, now as much I want to be with you
I just don't want you anymore. 

Waiting on shore

You have nothing.

You have a pile of secrets and lies,

and you are calling it love.

In the meantime,

you are letting your whole life pass by,

while,

they celebrate anniversaries

and grow old together.

You are frozen in time.

Holding your breath,

You are a statue,

waiting for something,

which is never going to happen.

You are living,

stolen moments in

hotel hallways and coat closets.

You keep telling yourself,

they all add up to something real

Because,

in your mind they have to,

but they don't.

They won't.

They never will.

Stolen moments are not a life.

So you have nothing.

You have no one.

End it now.

"Waiting on shore" in Rosses Point, Ireland

Aroma lingers

Tired, exhausted,
Stressed, sick,
She turns the keys,
Switches on the lights.

Looks back,
something is missing

Checks her phone,
Zero missed calls,
Shuns it away,
I don't care.

Checks back,
something is missing

Sinks into the bathtub,
Plays with water,
Sings Adele,
Tries to rest.

Thinks back,
something is missing

Stomach growls,
Head aches,
Kitchen is calling,
Lights the stove.

Extinguishes back,
something is missing

Straightens the bedsheets,
Dims the room,
Smells his hair,
Only finds a pillow

Hugs back,
something is missing

Trade-offs for an innocent soul

Premchand, he's the Shakespeare of Hindi Literature. As a kid, I read many of his short stories and long essays to improve my vocabulary in the language. One of my favorites is still a mystery in many ways as I encounter the same story again and again, every time I try to advise my innocent friend.

So,

Premchand's story lead works at a government office in rural India. He talks about this very irreproachable peon in his office. The peon is as innocent as a cow - keeps away from office politics, never gives/accepts bribes and is a very hardworking man. He makes very little money but stays happy with his hard-earned pennies and caters a small family in a small house in the village. He never fancies big cars and pompous things because he knows, he cannot afford it. He believes "It is better to suffer the wrong rather than inflict the wrong". He is genuinely happy with the little materialistic world he spawns around him until he meets the author's lead. 

The lead feels sorry (or pity should I say) for the poor peon. He knows everyone in office accepts bribes are so rich! They don't care about their job and just want to stack cash in the shortest possible time. He calls the peon to his office, and tells him, "You are such an idiot, you are so susceptible to bullying. You let opportunities pass by you." and he teaches the peon how to make more money in less time. The lead of the story thinks he is just helping the peon become a better person by equipping him with daily tricks to living a more comfortable life.

Now the lead goes to business trip for a few months and when he comes back, he is left speechless. The peon who would not utter a word when his salary was never raised, now is the head of all peons. He is suddenly no more that passive hard-working man but an arrogant, rude, fat-tummied bastard. He's crazy rich with his wealth multiplying as every hour passes. Heck of all things, people salute him! And the lead is left wondering... "Did I do the right thing?"

I have a friend, with whom I am open enough to point out his mistakes. I have a younger brother, who is such a cow himself. My dad, he must have never bitten an inch more than what he could chew. All these three men, in their own little worlds are so so innocent. So much more than me. They don't have any grudges in their hearts. They believe in hard work and nothing else. For them, to some extent, even getting favors due to being social is wrong. They have their diaries clean and don't have the "basic common sense" that I, as a smart cunning woman would call it.

To cite some crude examples, they say things like "I cannot afford it" to colleagues when they go shopping for a meager amount. Instantly, the thought runs in my head - I wouldn't buy that myself. Its not worth the price. But would I say that so honestly to a colleague? He would judge me so hard that I am buying cheaper milk. I would rather say, I don't like that brand or make up something like that.

So many such instances, when I want to hold their hand, and tell them - shut up! Don't be so innocent! Be foxy! 

But then I fear, do I want to transform them into people they were not meant to be? Am I asking them to give up their niceness, their very quality of being so simple that I adore? Would it be worth the price? Sure as hell they would be hailed more social than before, but why should I ask them to adorn that mask? These are the very people who make me expose my real side to them. I don't fear telling them things shamelessly as they are. And then all the other times, I make up shit. But them, they are always so to-the-point. They have their priorities set, they don't give a fuck in the truest sense. And I am asking them to start doing pointless things. I won't deny these very pointless things are what bring me some good favors here and there but its such a huge trade-off. Selling my real self and thoughts for a thing or two? What kind of help is that? What kind of advice is that?

A dilemma that I will always have, 

because that very cunning nature is instilled in me already. I don't mean any bad to anyone but I can just get away with anything.. But should I really suggest my dear ones the same? Will I be making a mistake as Premchand's lead did?

What do you think?

Silence

There are Romeos and Juliets
Where death doesn't bound love
And there are Commonoes and Commonets
Where room partitions timeless souls
While we tell the world to look beyond their smartphones
We sit corners with our ears plugged earphones
The day starts fresh like the garden mint leaves
But dies down lonely filling up emptiness
Even the urge to infuse is subdued with gallons of egos
A gesture or two to make the presence known
But subtle and quiet to arise guilt
Because fear is also splitting us
Sudden jerks of freeze where the world stills down
The thought in its lighting gaze speed
Fancies how you can be the first one to extend a hand
And spawns the conversations further
A laughter or two sprinkled here and there
A tear flows down the left eye
But as she refuses to budge from the cozy bed
She continues typing into her screen
All the words left unsaid..

Image: https://www.artdoxa.com/thorstendittrich/large?page=70

Reflection

It was no longer tamed

By the wrath of the of the hot star

The beach had died down

Setting all chains apart

Adorned a silver tiara

Let the agility to a cease

The streets were quiet

The dogs fast asleep

'twas me and only me

In the serene company of a glowing light

Bathing in the metallic sea

Rustling breeze in my hair

I couldn't be less carefree

We walked a thousand miles

Atleast what it seemed like

Amidst the settled chatter

Of the men of the sea

Unaware of a material world

Bored by the boundaries of the earth

Lunatics, in search of peace

Who stopped only when they saw

What their souls had been searching for

There it was,

In pitch darkness

Only our legs could sense it,

The patterns of the Tatami

Only our eyes could hear it,

The patterns of the diamond designs

Only our ears could see it,

Rustling stories of the waves

Only our souls could now rest

As our bodies sank into the rough land

It was me and my reflection

The flame and the fire

Burning beautifully in the strongest winds

Seeking the shape of the breeze

To strengthen its own

Two of a kind

Began on a journey

To each of their own

My reflection and me

My reflection and me..

Picture: https://www.flickr.com/photos/vlumi/19608875846/in/album-72157650630382969/

Being the nature, shaken and broken, yet..

The burden was just pulled off
Sudden freedom, not what I was expecting
Just like how your lungs will breathe
If given pure oxygen
I stood still
Spiralling deep into the void with my naked eyes
My brain spinning thoughts faster than time
Faster than the speed of light
The grey carpet on the floor became
A canvas for the hungry whore
Processing how would I return
More than 2800 entries in SQL query
Oh my god, did I spill a secret?
Oh wait, I think I am smelling the next round again
Damn, no its only the mint flavored regular
Anyway, where were we?
There are so many threads running
My heart was racing
Yet I painted pictures
Of the glory I will wear
I didn't want to move
Because I didn't know
If my body could balance itself
In the presence of zero gravity
Left to its will
Next moment courage rushed in
Illusion, he said..
I went into an art illusion
Tripping my thoughts
On an orange blog
Oh no, there I go faster than my fingers again
So courage rushed in,
Heavy metal played
I decided to sway my head to the right
I felt as if I am falling
But I decided to take the leap of faith
So free I felt
Free-er than the white pigeon
I wonder
If it makes you barge all closed gates
Like a greedy big black dog
Hounding for its prey
Why is called being stoned?

P.S: being the nature, shaken, broken yet only being not complaining like a stone.